Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Reviews: Savage! Hilarious!

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales will likely make a lot of money at the box office.

Which is good news for star Johnny Depp, who could use every last cent these days.

But critics across the country are positively SLAMMING both Depp and the latest installment in this franchise, which has clearly run out of ideas, humor and any semblance of entertainment.

Consider the Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales reviews below before you head out to the theater this weekend…

1. Angie Han, Mashable:

Angie Han, Mashable:
Oh, if only dead men told no tales. Then we might have avoided this fifth Pirates of the Caribbean adventure, which fails to justify its own existence in any way whatsoever.

2. John DeFore, The Hollywood Reporter:

John DeFore, The Hollywood Reporter:
Johnny Depp’s cartoonishly louche Keith Richards-meets-Hunter Thompson pirate Jack Sparrow, the globally recognized caricature who by now feels (appropriately) more like a theme-park mascot than a Hollywood swashbuckler. Depp remains wholeheartedly the focus of this fifth Pirates film, and saying the character’s loopy novelty has faded is like complaining that there are maggots in the below-decks gruel: You knew what you were getting when you came aboard.

3. Andrew Barker, Variety:

Andrew Barker, Variety:
His performance here is no better and no worse than in his previous two or three outings, though what once was a bracingly anarchic approach is starting to feel a bit old hat, like a standup comic rehashing vintage punchlines for cheers of recognition, rather than laughs.

4. Jim Vejvoda, IGN:

Jim Vejvoda, IGN:
Jack’s schtick is so tired now – it’s been tired since the second film, frankly – but Johnny Depp does seem to be trying a wee bit harder to deliver here than he was in his sleepwalking turn in On Stranger Tides. Still, it is like seeing a classic rock band perform uninspired encores of their biggest hits, with only fleeting reminders of the magic that made you like their music to begin with.

5. DeFore Again, on The Rest of The Cast:

DeFore Again, on The Rest of The Cast:
[Kaya] Scodelario, of the Maze Runner films and Andrea Arnold’s Wuthering Heights, is just about the only member of the cast who seems to believe she’s expected to be more than a thin generic functionary or flamboyant scene-stealer. Which is unfortunate, given how Jeff Nathanson’s screenplay sometimes treats her.

6. Matt Singer, Screencrush:

Matt Singer, Screencrush:
[Salazar is] played by Javier Bardem in a performance that is at least 45 percent him hissing the words “Jack” and “Sparrow” repeatedly while black goo drips off his lips. Bardem’s absurdly hammy work here makes his Skyfall villain look like a model of thespianic restraint in comparison.

7. Vejvoda Again, Also on Other Cast Members:

Vejvoda Again, Also on Other Cast Members:
Brenton Thwaites and Kaya Scodelario try to develop a chemistry between their respective characters and with Jack, but Henry and Carina’s romance feels forced and unearned. It plays out as an obligatory add-on to a story that would work just the same without it.

8. Barker, Also On Scodelario and Thwaits:

Barker, Also On Scodelario and Thwaits:
The film gives these two precious little to play, but considering their broad physical resemblances and virtually identical character types, it’s hard not to compare Thwaites’ and Scodelario’s performances to Bloom’s and Knightley’s in the first “Pirates,” and the comparison does them no favors.

9. Singer, On the Franchise as a Whole:

Singer, On the Franchise as a Whole:
After 15 years, Captain Jack has devolved into an accumulation of ticks and pratfalls, and his movies are basically lavish high-seas versions of a Scooby-Doo episode: A guh-guh-guh-ghost does a bunch of spooky stuff and everyone runs and screams for a while, and then the bad guy gets caught.

10. Mark Kennedy, Associated Press:

Mark Kennedy, Associated Press:
After this fifth episode, you’ll wish Disney would just declare the franchise dead and tell no more tales.

11. Travis Hopon, Punch Drunk Critics

Travis Hopon, Punch Drunk Critics
We’re at the fifth movie with Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Zzzzzzz….sorry, even the title is overlong and dull.

12. MaryAnn Johanson, Flick Filosopher

MaryAnn Johanson, Flick Filosopher
The franchise finally overstays its welcome with this cacophony of CGI spectacle, a contrived and confusing plot, and a newly cruel and stupid Jack Sparrow.

13. Stephen Whitty, Newark-Star Ledger:

Stephen Whitty, Newark-Star Ledger:
Better hoist a distress signal fast, maties. This ship’s sinking fast – and there’s no safe harbor in sight.

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